Slightly Darker then Normal

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* This post is slightly darker than normal. The last few months we have had some extra stress, that culminated into a phone call I didn’t want to make but did. Logically, there is nothing we can do right now; emotionally I am drained. Last night I was unable to sleep and finally purged my thoughts into a journal I haven’t used in 3 years and had to sing myself one of my son’s lullabies to finally go to sleep.  This is the journal entry.

Laying in the dark, my mind can’t stop moving. Thinking about the last few days…getting pissed off about putting my life on hold because of other people. These people who feel as if I have wronged them. People who think just because I am nice and laugh a lot they can run over me; they can bully me. People that have such a skewed perception, a sense of entitlement, no sense of wrong doing, people who are blamers.

At 1am I lay awake because these people are trying to make me back down, to not fight. If I don’t fight what kind of example am I setting for my son, for myself? I won’t lie, I don’t want to fight. I am not a fan of negative confrontation, but I need to do this.

At 1am I lay awake thinking how I am going to fight back. Making mental list after mental list; adding and removing ideas on these lists; I make new lists. I get pissed off because I put some thing of mine: as simple as sleep; on hold.

I am not blaming any one for the position I am in. It is my own fault for trusting and wanting to see the best in people. These last few months/weeks/days have made me more cautious, but I will not let these people shake faith in others. If I can’t be tolerant of others what kind of example am I setting for my son, for myself?

Tomorrow I will smile and pretend it doesn’t bother me as much, but my heart is a little broken to know that some people are oblivious to the hurt they cause. The day after that I will smile and pretend it bothers me even less than the day before. I will begin the process of fighting back.

I REFUSE to let others rule my life. I will fight back. Whether I win or lose, I did what I thought was right. This is the best example I can set for my son and myself.

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3 thoughts on “Slightly Darker then Normal

    amber said:
    August 10, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    I dont know u but i do know that the only way u can “fight back” is with God, by prayer and fasting and reading ur bible. if u dont have one u need one. trust me i was at the end of my life with a lot of things and i had no one or nothing to turn to and i found o small church that helped me see the light and that is what u need is a good support group. May God Bless You!!

      Ruth said:
      August 10, 2010 at 1:42 pm

      Thank you for your kind thoughts. I am very blessed to have a wonderful husband, family & extended family that supports me.

    Oh to be Freshly Pressed « Life As We Know It said:
    January 21, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    […] Most of the time my writing is wrinkly (pun intended). On occasion though I have written a witty, emotional, thoughtful or serious post.  There have been posts on parenting, posts that have just been […]

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